In my mind I can always be present somewhere else. This is a weird one. I can picture myself playing with my kids, or in other situations being fully present.

The thing is that something is always different in those thoughts. I have more energy. My mind is less occupied. It's a different season.

I think I'm subconsciously striving for that reality. And I think it's the same train of thought as thinking that new phone, house, car, job, whatever, will finally make you complete. You know when you feel something is off, and if you could just get or do that thing you're striving for then all will be good. I've experienced that more times than I can remember, and the thing is that I never feel complete no matter what I accomplish.

Around me I see examples of rich and accomplished people either living shallow lives, or being openly disgruntled with life. While in communities that don't have much but live a grateful life, there is another sense of fullness.

So I've come to the conclusion that having whatever it is I dream of will never make me happy or complete. I wonder if the longing, and the thoughts of me having more energy, less on my mind and so on, is exactly the same thing. Just that I never thought about it in that way.

Maybe I'll never get there. And thinking I will, thinking tomorrow will be better, thinking that if I just get enough sleep, start exercising and so on, will make all good, just becomes an excuse for letting today be shit.

Maybe the only solution, and dang it do I hate it, is to do the work today. Accept my shortcomings and be grateful for everything I can be grateful for.